If you are not a historian like me then you probably haven’t paid that much attention to Hershal Zergot’s Documentation of the Fluffy Rainbow War. It all started when Princess Lollipop of Zamambia lost her magic crown. This allowed the Witch-King of Dark Meats to cast her into the Fleet Footed Never Troll’s cavern and imprison her. The people suffered dearly under the reign of the Witch-King, until one day when a trollopop named Marthusiel the Small came to the Princess’s rescue. Marthusiel had no intention on finding himself entwined in the fates of the big people. He merely used the troll’s caverns as a means to transport wallopberries to the chipmunks in exchange for the tree elixirs he desperately needed to heal his sickly wife. The Three Sisters of Asulia (the most powerful deities in all of Zamambia), had greater plans in store for the little trollopop. The Sisters charged him with the quest of rescuing the Princess, finding the Nineteen Grand items of Gravy, and burnishing Great Globe of the Gibbon Lord. Together, with the help of a kindly patch of moss and a cup of soup, Marthusiel and Princess Lollipop accomplished these tasks finally realizing that the magic lie in them and not the Princess’s crown. The Witch-King then became nervous when he realized that the Gibbon Lord had regained his confidence, and was amassing an army armed with the nineteen items. The Witch-King prematurely sent forth his troops to Sugar-toes Valley to head off the Gibbon Lord. This gave Marthusiel and the Princess time to return to the castle unnoticed and defeat the Witch-King themselves. This restored peace to the land, and its marmots.
You may wonder why I put you through all of that. Simple really, it makes far less sense than this video does. I thought it might give you the proper perspective.
Spring is almost upon us, and this being Michigan it looks like we get to welcome it in with snow. Yeah! Do not worry though, my succulent little plow jockeys, the ground will thaw soon enough. When that day comes we will don our muck boots, aprons and trowels, and head to our vegetable gardens. What’s that you say… you don’t garden? Have you learned nothing from bathing in the case of Mandom you purchased after yesterdays posts? Working the good soil is equivalent to toughness. I dare you to call a farmer a wuss. You’ll find your ass John Deered so fast you won’t know what hit you.
I have spent these many winter months in contemplation of my garden layout. I wasn’t sure what to plant first. Providence struck me as I searched for today’s videos. I was granted an epiphany in the form of this video.
Certainly the uses of the “apple of the ground” seemed limitless after that vision. I had to make a decision, what shall I use my potatoes for? The answer came to me in the second part of my grand revelation.
My happiness was soon edged with fear. While learning the answers that I sought, I was also given a prophetical glimpse into the future. The little Japanese boy would grow up, his love of the potato chip would not wane, but the results of ignoring his freaky dog would ever change the world.
WHY LITTLE JAPANESE BOY, WHY!?!?!?!?! You should never ignore your pet for the sake of possible future bukkake. Has Mandom taught you nothing? Respect for nature will always lead you down the pathway to carnal pleasures. Ignoring your dog will only lead you to murder and dramatic chip eating!
Now that I have seen the future laid out before me I know that it is better not to plant the garden after all. Why risk upsetting the balance of the universe?
Men listen up! You want to make all the dames swoon don’t you? I know I do. That is why everyday I ride my horse bareback down to the mill to chop the wood that I need to build the garage to hold the cars that I work on shirtless. I need those cars so that I can go to the football games and drink all the beer and manhattans that give me the stamina to work out. Working out helps me look my best in my tuxedo. The tuxedo I wear when I want to take my little lady out for the night, where we dine on red meat… and pure lust. After the lovemaking, I contemplate all the manliness that my musky rippling body contains, and a tear comes to my brutish yet sensitive eye. I cry because I realize that while I am a man, I don’t come close to this level of man, the Mandom Man.
I am also not as manly as that man’s man, Scott, is. He used his raw testosterone driven biceps and triceps to move his strong masculine hands to find today’s gems, and for that I owe him a porterhouse steak, or a new socket set.
So this morning, in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I was contemplating the deli tray and its relationship with the price of pickles. It seems that most deli trays have pickles on them, but how often are those pickles haplessly cast away at the end of day because only a handful of tray partakers partook in said pickles. Yet despite the waste of our briny friends, caterers still insist on including pickles. There can be only two explanations for this. 1. The pickle cost to consumption ratio fairs heavier on the consumption side. 2. All caterers are on drugs, the same kind of drugs that spawned videos such as this one.
If you are like me, after watching that little acid trip, you need something to clear your mind. What says clear the mind like a nice little song by Telly Savalas shot with sphincter cam?
Why must we insist on living in the past? On the way into work today I heard that CW50 (formerly the WB, formerly UPN 50, formerly Fox Detroit, formerly WKBD 50) is planning on producing a remake of the long running Beverly Hills 90210. So many of the shows and movies of our childhood have been remade and repackaged that I am becoming convinced that we will never see a new idea again. There is a Smurf movie in the works for Pete’s sake!!!! All I can say is that if you are going to dig up the treasures of my childhood, the least you can do for me is a Gummi Bear 5 part mini-series on either ABC or NBC (I don’t care which). This show was the pinnacle of the 1980’s capitalistic Saturday morning cartoon. Most cartoons in the 80’s were nothing more than half hour commercials for toys, i.e. Transformers, GI Joe, Gem, but it took a true stroke of genius to make a show based on candy. Not just any candy, but a candy enjoyed by little German children since the 1920’s when it was invented by Hans Riegel of the Haribo candy company. This candy however was not made in the U. S. until 1982, and a mere 3 years later the cartoon (no doubt to bolster sagging sales in the lil’ Kraut Candy) came to be. I think that there was more to this than just candy sales. Disney produced The Gummi Bear show, and we all know of the rumored Anti-Semitic opinions of one Mr. Walt Disney. In disliking the Children of Israel, Walt aligned himself with the people of Nazi Germany. What you ask was the goal of Nazi Germany? The answer is conquest. Hitler never conquered Sweden in WWII. As a result of this tactical decision, Sweden was left with ample resources after WWII to create Swedish Fish in 1958 and export them to the U.S. This corruption of the original pure German Gummi Bear struck a cord in Walt Disney as yet another Nazi Defeat. That is why Walt put into play a plan to destroy the U.S. Swedish Fish market with the Gummi Bear television show, but his death in 1966 delayed the plan some nearly 20 years.
Speaking of Sweden, here is a clip from a Swedish television show.
In honor of Chris, and his nearing departure, today is all about monkeys. Now I know what you are thinking, monkeys are so yesterday, its all about pirates and ninjas nowadays. Here me out, these monkeys are here for a cause. As you can see by my picture, I am the epitome of all things healthy. I crave a good workout as much as the next guy, and of course I finish off my workout routine with a nice ripe banana every day. You of course are no doubt saying. “Todd, I to enjoy a daily workout of squat thrusts and clean and jerks topped off with a banana smoothie or split.” After seeing the terrible plight our frivolous wasting of the banana supply is causing our primate pals, I felt compelled to post monkey videos. Perhaps once we have corrected the situation I will return to posting ninja and pirate videos again.
First up… Scary Monkey
Hypnotic Monkey
My personal favorite, Cute Monkey
So join me my brothers and sisters in the No Banana after Workout Cause! Together we can make NoBAWoC a strong organization for a stronger tomorrow!
So Kwame pulled the race card last night. Essentially, my take on what Kwame was saying is that we are racist because we don’t understand that within the black culture it is O.K. to cost the city millions of dollars, cheat on our wives and kill strippers to cover up a party. Then again I might be mistaken. True oppression is a despicable thing, but pretending that you are oppressed infuriates me. Now that I got that off of my chest I will continue my white devil roll by posting this.
I don’t know what is more awesome, the fact that one of the actors last name is Koldsweat, or that there was a flaming turnip tied to a model car in that trailer.
And now for a video that probably won’t cause people to hate me.
Feel free to email me anything you think would fit the spirit of this site, and I will feel free to promptly ignoreyour ideas and put my own upinstead.
Princess Lollipop(pictured with magical crown)
The Gibbon Lord
