For the Proper Mindset; Play Synchronicity II by the Police

Here is something that I didn’t know until today; Sweden has its very own lake bound sea monster. It’s called Storsjöodjuret, which is just a fancy Swedish word for “Great Lake Sea Monster” (I see the Swedes are as original with the names as the Scots). Here is a picture that was recently captured of the aquatic menace.


I don’t know about you, but there is no way you are going to get me in that lake knowing full well that there is some sort of pre-historic giant red rectangle lurking about. As it is I am already thoroughly frightened of walks in the woods for fear that I might be attacked by that infamous grainy silhouette creature that is always highlighted by an oval of brightness.

I might as well just stay inside from now on.

Besides…If I do find myself outside I just might run into the Waffle Bike guy.

Did I mention that the Waffle Bike comes complete with home made 12 gauge shot gun, machete, two live chickens, and an Islamic “Call to Prayer” public address system?

I realize the Waffle Bike video is long, but to truly appreciate it 8 minutes of your life is not that much to give up.


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Sometimes I wish that I had a professional dialogue writer who followed me around to make sure that I always said kick ass things like this.


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The kindly fellow who uploaded this video made a truly brilliant insight.

This


Plus this


Equals this

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Till Death and Death and Death….and Death

A Kentucky woman just made history by being the first woman to be formally charged with bigamy. Here is the kicker; this is a picture of the woman.

Yes ladies and gentlemen this woman was able to convince four different men to marry her. I don’t know how she did it because comparatively I find myself more turned on by the image of Clint Howard all tarted up with whore makeup and a blond wig.


I guess in the big picture there are more variables that must come into play.

1. This is Kentucky after all.
2. Who knows what the men look like, you could be talking about 4 of these;


3. These men may spend much more time looking at the back of her head, if you get my drift.

All I know is that the lesson that we can take from this is: There is somebody out there for everybody. Just make sure that that somebody hasn’t married three other somebodies before they got to you.

Even if you don’t speak fluent German as I do, I think that you would still get a kick out of this bent take on Bert and Ernie. Did I mention that I speak fluent German*


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There is no better combination than narcotics and extinct creatures.



CHALLENGE!!!

I think the point of this video is to confuse you so much that you become gay. I didn’t make it more than 1:53 into this video, but I did shuttle to the end so that I had some sense of closure.


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*By fluent German I mean rather broken German**



**By rather broken German I mean English***



***By English I mean a form of communication that only uses a series of clicks and whistles.

Lot to See, Little to Say

Enough said.


You know you have always wanted to see more Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom tribute songs… now is your chance to get started.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I have always found Carol Channing to be one of the more frightening creatures to roam the earth. Now I have to add Puppet Channing to my list of things that give me nightmares.


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Oh Steve Guttenberg you dirty dirty whore.

See more Steve_Guttenberg videos at Funny or Die

CHALLENGE MAYBE???

This just goes on and on for about four minutes. I felt a bit of shame while watching it, but in the end reassured myself that if he didn’t want people to see it, he wouldn’t have put it on the internets.


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Domo Arigato Mr. Gatito

I’ve always known that there was a good reason that I don’t like cats, it turns out they are stealing our food. According to an Australian study not only are cat food producers using nearly two and a half million tons of forage fish (a limited resource) a year to make gourmet cat food, but cats in Australia are yearly eating eight percent more fish than the Australians themselves. The really scary part comes in when you realize that fish is “brain food”. I now see a trend where cats are going to become smarter than their human counterparts by consuming massive amounts of vitamin “what-ever-the-fuck-is-in-fish-that-is-good-for-your-brain”, not to mention the benefits of the fatty acid “omega-what-ever-the-fuck-is-really-good-for-your-heart” that they will reap. I will only be a matter of time before the world is overthrown by a race of Über Kitties who will use human hide for their scratching posts.

If you don’t want the world to change, then I suggest you feed your cats plain old Meow Mix.

Or you could give them New Tik Tiks with Almonds.


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People also feed their pet ferrets cat food…not so smart either.


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There seem to be quite a few of these popping up around the internets these days. I guess that I welcome copycat videos just slightly more than say… copycat killings.




CHALLENGE!!!

Just try to pretend that you are artsy and pretentious and you just might be able to make it through all six minutes of this David Lynch scene.


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Take Extra Care of the Nail Beds

I overheard a small piece of conversation today that has left me rather puzzled. I wish I could have heard the whole conversation in context but alas all I caught was this.

“I forgot to wash my hands before eating that soup.”

Sure, on the surface it sounds perfectly reasonable. This woman was just concerned with maintaining proper hygiene, as we all should be, but then it hits you…is she eating the soup with her hands? That would indicate a rather thick and dry soup, not to mention it would have to be cold enough to handle. In my experience soups of that consistency and temperature are generally called sandwiches. On the flip side if this woman was actually eating traditional soup, and had a spoon (also traditional) how filthy are her hands? Presuming the average spoon has a handle that is 5 inches long and that she is holding the spoon “toddler-gorilla-fist” style she should still have at least an inch and a half mouth-to-hand clearance. It would take some crazy Evil Knievel germs to jump that distance.

Oh well I guess the truth is just going to have to be one of life’s little mysteries.

Here is a case of be careful of what you wish for.


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This band has gone slightly stir crazy on their tour bus; either that or they have been hanging around R. Kelly a little too much. Here is Pee On You.


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This one is such a mess I am not even going to write about it.



CHALLENGE!!!

This is another one of those CHALLEGE!!! videos that I could not tear myself away from. The instructor’s comments start getting really wacky at about 2 minutes in.


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Release the Gnomes of War

Never one to turn down a good old fashioned dead horse beating, I once again am returning to the ever fascinating subject of garden gnomes. I do so because I happened across a news article about a Greensburg, PA man who was convicted of assault with a deadly weapon. That weapon, of course, turned out to be a concrete garden gnome. While the overall story is quite actually sad, as are most cases of alcohol fueled domestic violence, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the point in the article where the writer actually decided to include a detailed description of what the little fellow (the gnome, not the accused) was wearing. Using that little bit of sardonic humor as a springboard, my imagination started to wander over the countless possibilities that garden gnomes could play in the realm of armaments. I wondered how mid-evil castle sieges would have been different if the surrounding forces would have had the benefit of trebuchets loaded with the brightly colored lawn ornaments. I envisioned the collective panic of the feudal masses as the pointy hat wearing projectiles would have rained down on from on high. The relentless carpet bombing of World War II would have been a sight to see if the payload would have been gnomes. The splash damage from the shrapnel of a thousand shattered little white beards would have been devastating on the streets of London and Berlin. Gnomes could also play a major role in this modern age as well. Picture if you will a geosynchronous net of gnomes in outer space strategically placed over the United States’ major cities providing a shield of protection from incoming nuclear projectiles. In the past I have written about the plight that the modern lawn gnome faces, but now I am wondering if that plight can be averted if we all just took the time to contemplate the virtually limitless potential packed into those tiny denizens of the petunia plot. Perhaps urban sprawl does not need to be the end for this once proud race, but instead a step in a new direction…a repurposing so to speak.

Yesterday decoration…Tomorrow decimation!

If you want to read the article for yourself go here.

http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/tribunereview/news/westmoreland/s_583930.html

This video makes me want to rush out and buy a new set of strings for my bass guitar so that I can piss of Satan.



I am not sure how they can do this with a straight face.


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I’ve Done Worse

The phrase “now I’ve seen everything” time and time again has been proven moot. I think my favorite counter argument of this phrase was from the brilliant Team America: World Police. The dialog proceeds thusly:

Gary Johnston: A flying limousine…Now I’ve seen everything.
Spottswoode: Have you ever seen a man eat his own face?
Gary Johnston: No
Spottswoode: Then you haven’t seen everything…and neither have I.

I have over a hundred posts on this blog to remind me that I have not seen everything, but the I think news story that I read today is the final nail in the coffin for this tired phrase. Here is the link.

http://news.therecord.com/News/CanadaWorld/article/401741

If you are like me and get annoyed by following links I will distill the finer points down into this sentence.

Man under house arrest breaks curfew to drive, speeding, while naked, high on crack cocaine, drunk on alcohol, with a naked prostitute in passenger seat, only to crash car in parking lot.

Now that is rock star living.

I used to love ALF as a kid (only God knows why). I just don’t remember the opening credits quite like this.


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A couple of weeks ago I posted a video of a character called Noseybonk from a 1980’s British kid’s show. This character scared me so bad I had diarrhea for three days. I see that I am not alone. There are a series of these parodies of Noseybonk now permeating the internet, but I think this one sums them up the best.


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Spaghetti with Bumblebees be its name, WTF be its game.


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CHALLENGE!!!

This video is not only a CHALLENGE!!!, but it is also a bit of a public service. Watching this will immediately tell you if you are gay or not. If you find yourself gritting your teeth and forcing yourself to watch it, chances are you are straight, if you find yourself dancing along (and are a man) perhaps you need to do some soul searching.


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Virtually Transparent Manual Contact

I have a new life goal…Get married to Phil Collins and then have him divorce me. It looks as if the future ex-missus Collins might just find herself 46.68 million dollars richer. That is a mil and a half more than Heather “Stumpy” Mills managed to squeeze out of Sir Paul McCartney. The real trick is to make sure that I have a couple of kids with him first. However, seeing that this is a biological impossibility; I figure that I could just buy a couple of brats off of Brad and Angelina, rename them Sussudio and Abacab and I will be good to go. This is a way better idea than the three-way I was planning with Oprah and Stedman.

I have watched this two or three times now, and while I am convinced that a crucial piece of information has been cut from the end of this video, I still cannot imagine the mountain of narcotics that it must have taken to dream this up.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I usually try to be on the cutting edge of WTF. If it has made it to the front page of a mainstream website, or on television I usually consider it cold product. However after watching E!’s The Soup this weekend, I felt compelled to put this up because it is just that damn entertaining.

I Listened and Learned Nothing

I am going on vacation pretty soon. That coupled with the fact that work moral has been somewhere slightly lower than a pygmy goat’s testicles (there is a Google image search for you), and that this week’s payroll has been pushed back 4 days, has lead me into the state of sub-lethargy. So this is the best you are going to get. One grumpy paragraph and one video that makes about as much sense as a bowl of peanut butter and rainbow shavings topped with squirrel.


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Bug Hunt

I came across an interesting bit of trivia today, apparently the mosquito kills more people world wide than any other animal. This tidbit inspired me to do one of those long MS Paint photo-essay style entries today. My foray, however, was halted as quickly as it started when I accidentally mistyped the word mosquito in the search field. I forgot to include the letter “s” and was immediately treated to an image of a semi-flaccid penis resting on some white frilly panties. This system shock got the gears in my brain to suddenly shudder to a halt and change directions. Now my purpose was to find out how many misspelled words lead to pornographic images on the first results page. To my surprise, out of the vastly extensive list of misspelled words (about a dozen or so), I found no other phallic results (no bewbs either). I went back to my original search to see if I could find out what made Mosquito with no “s” a special catalyst for dick pictures. The sight that Google had plucked the offending image from was a blog written in Spanish. Naturally I took the internet express to my favorite translating page and I was given no direct translation of the word from Spanish to English…another dead end. This left me with two possibilities; “moquito” is a slang term, or the fine fellow (who decided the world needed to see his junk) simply mistyped the word mosquito on his blog. If the later is true, then I really want to know why anyone would use the word mosquito in connection with a photo of their willie-wanker. Personally I would only use descriptors that incited images of largeness, like mammoth or sperm whale.

Maybe he wanted to incite the image of a penis that kills more people world wide than any other animal (ala angry little cinnamon bun style).

Speaking of penises (or as I prefer, peni) here is a little peni WTF

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Here in America when we want to advertise our beer, we pull out the good old clichés of hot women, sports, and goofy humor. Our beer is piss. In Europe, where they make beer that is not piss, they don’t use good old clichés, they use avant-garde surreal clichés.


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Oh you wondrously kooky Japanese, what will you think of next? Perhaps a restaurant designed like Alcatraz…oh wait.


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Watch out Bill Cosby…They Come in Threes(no, that is not a racist threat)

Stumbled across this headline…thought it was funny…thought that I would share.



Evidently it is not currently safe to go down south when you head north of the border these days. I am starting to wonder if it was because of this shocking revelation Isaac Hayes passed away this weekend, or perhaps he had some sort of suicide pact with Bernie Mac and was just a little slow to fulfill his end of the bargain. Too soon? Okay, okay that might have been in bad taste. My thoughts and prayers go out to the Hayes and Mac Families in their time of grief (or at least that is why I am going to say for the record). It’s the times when I make insensitive jokes like these that I start to realize how disposable society as a whole feels that celebrities are. Every year thousands of people clamber to places like Hollywood and New York just to attempt to make it into an industry where the ultimate resting place is obscurity. Take a moment and think about all of the movies and television you watch on a regular basis…I’ll wait take your time.

Okay, now that you have added all those hours up, think about how many hours of television and movies you are not watching…Once again, I’ll wait.

No no, don’t rush, I’m not going anywhere.

It’s a rather vast sum isn’t it? Within that vast sum lie hours and hours of television and movie time that statistically NO ONE is watching. Artists work just thrown to the jackals of obscurity. Even people who do make a name for themselves in the entertainment industry hardly get more attention than the unwatched actors do when their time is up. A classy headshot with their lifespan dates underneath, and some half hearted sentiment like “he was truly a genius, and he will be missed”, is the treatment most post-mortem celebs receive. Hell, even the ultimate pinnacle of success is generally only rewarded with a “Best of DVD Collection” that sits at the back of someone’s entertainment center collecting dust bunnies.

In closing I shall quote someone famous.

“Fame is a fickle thing”

And the fact that I have no idea who first said that just reinforces my argument further.


Even if the Governnator died today, we would be left with this gem at least.


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Jokes About Homicide are Funny

It should be obvious to anyone who knows me, or at least that visits this site, that I am not a fan of Political Correctness. Humor is not a victimless crime, every joke has a butt. Sometimes you are the butt, sometimes you are not. Chances are, however, if you are offended by jokes, you are just an ass. Needless to say, when I saw this store sign, I had to laugh.

Here is today’s video. It is peppered with expletives quite liberally, and believe it or not this is the censored version.



If you have some overwhelming desire to see the “Dick of the Sky” in all of its un-mosaic glory, follow the link below. Same video… but with 50% more penis clarity.

http://www.mondominishows.com/index.php?IdEpisode=552&episodesPage=0&series=28

Tossing Salad

Kwame is spending the night in jail…I think that is all I need to say today.

I think that the moral of this video is; if you do drugs you will find yourself locked in the wardrobe that leads to Narnia.



If you find yourself in Narnia for too long you just might loose your sense of reality. Kinda like this woman has.

Red Sweater and Comfy Loafers

It appears that soon the world will be devoid of a children’s classic. PBS has announced that episodes of Mister Rogers Neighborhood will no longer be a part of the national weekly syndication line up. Needless to say the puppets of the Land of Make Believe have taken the news rather hard.


Henrietta the Pussycat wears a look of shock as she hears the news.


In protest the citizenry of the Land of Make Believe laid themselves across Trolley’s track. When asked for comment, a high ranking PBS official was quoted as saying “Well, we were going to send them all to the ‘showers’…unfortunately clean up will not be as easy this way”.

PBS has been rather tight lipped when it comes to their reasoning behind the decision, but speculation points to a possible child molestation lawsuit against one of the show’s former stars.

Not pointing fingers, but…


Now for the videos

The T-Shirt of Terror




I love how the child stars of the 80s have decided to make fun of themselves.


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Hot Wheels

So this morning, while blearily packing lunch, my wife calls me from the other room. There paused ala TiVo upon the family television screen was this image.


I nearly peed myself.

Evidently, this what the Chinese are doing to brush up their security detail for the upcoming Olympiad in Beijing. This seemed to me to be the second worst mounted force in history. The first being the Polish Calvary vs. Nazi Germany’s Panzer Blitzkrieg…Okay, okay… that was just a myth perpetuated by Nazi propaganda, so I guess that the Chinese Segway Brigade is the actual worst mounted force in history.

Seriously what is next the Sloth Templar?


Or Perhaps an Aye-aye riding Zulu?



Truthfully if the Chinese really wanted to make sure that the Olympics were safe all that they would need is one Charles Bronson driven MANDOM mobile.



Take that, terrorists!!!


Speaking of mounted things…here is an awesome fake movie preview by Black 20 called Wheels.


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I’ve heard of explosive diarrhea, but I have never bought tea just so I could have it. Then again I am not Japanese.


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Shallow Thoughts

There won’t be a single decision that you make today that hasn’t already been effected by all the decisions of those around you…So who is it that is actually in control?

This video is awesome, it harkens back the video that started this whole blog. There is so much awesomeness about it that the only way that I can begin to talk about it is in a turrets style verbal diarrhea. Moustache…Bicycle kicking from the floor…”Choke”…”Full bore?”…”Were not play acting, this hurts”


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Here is the kind of fella you might have to use some of these techniques on.


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Selfish Bastard

Yeah! It’s Friday!

Okay, so that joy is something that only extends to us working stiffs who do the M-F thing. I am sure that there are plenty of people who work in things like retail, foodservice, the medical profession, and the like who are right now saying.

Ugh! It’s Friday!

But you know what; toddsift is not about them, it is about me, so once again I say…

Yeah! It’s Friday!

I realize that I have repeatedly said that I do this website for the people, and in a manner that is the truth. I am concerned that most people would not have the time to put into finding the “quality’’ stuff that I find. Let’s face it though; no act of kindness is a purely selfless act, if it were, the phrase “the joy of giving” wouldn’t exist. So while I work hard at bringing you the WTF for your enjoyment, it also makes me smile to know that I have warped someone’s mind every day.

Yeah! It’s Friday!

Let’s get the endorphins pumping.

Here is a bit of dark humor for you all. Having a child, I can say that at heart, children are actually like this.


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I realize it is just my natural immaturity showing itself, but honestly who names a candy bar Finger of Fudge?