Never one to turn down a good old fashioned dead horse beating, I once again am returning to the ever fascinating subject of garden gnomes. I do so because I happened across a news article about a Greensburg, PA man who was convicted of assault with a deadly weapon. That weapon, of course, turned out to be a concrete garden gnome. While the overall story is quite actually sad, as are most cases of alcohol fueled domestic violence, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the point in the article where the writer actually decided to include a detailed description of what the little fellow (the gnome, not the accused) was wearing. Using that little bit of sardonic humor as a springboard, my imagination started to wander over the countless possibilities that garden gnomes could play in the realm of armaments. I wondered how mid-evil castle sieges would have been different if the surrounding forces would have had the benefit of trebuchets loaded with the brightly colored lawn ornaments. I envisioned the collective panic of the feudal masses as the pointy hat wearing projectiles would have rained down on from on high. The relentless carpet bombing of World War II would have been a sight to see if the payload would have been gnomes. The splash damage from the shrapnel of a thousand shattered little white beards would have been devastating on the streets of London and Berlin. Gnomes could also play a major role in this modern age as well. Picture if you will a geosynchronous net of gnomes in outer space strategically placed over the United States’ major cities providing a shield of protection from incoming nuclear projectiles. In the past I have written about the plight that the modern lawn gnome faces, but now I am wondering if that plight can be averted if we all just took the time to contemplate the virtually limitless potential packed into those tiny denizens of the petunia plot. Perhaps urban sprawl does not need to be the end for this once proud race, but instead a step in a new direction…a repurposing so to speak.
Yesterday decoration…Tomorrow decimation!
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