Baby Piss and Flappy Lips

It is interesting that even though we live in a country dedicated to freedom, we still remain rather uptight in comparison to the rest of the world. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have it any other way. If we were as kooky as the Japanese or as Pedophilic as Northern Europe then all the goodness I find on the internet would seem normal. So the next time you plan on joining a pro-atheist rally, or laugh at one of those obviously hypocritical Bible bangers think twice. It is their morality that keeps this country conservative enough to make the rest of the world laughable.

I know that people probably are sick of hearing about my Japan-O-Philia, but how can you deny the glory of Dough Whacking. I love how the Japanese have distilled an entire phrase like what the fuck to a single sound of Whaaaa?!?! Using it probably saves them years of their lives, because they say it so often.


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Here is a product from the Emerald Isles. I know that peeing dolls are nothing new, but holy shrimp paste this is just wrong.


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Cannibalism I can laugh at, this makes me sad. Damn you Ford of Spain!


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And finally something from a country who’s origin I cannot determine. It might even be the U.S., if so; it would help to dismantle my argument so I am going to just say that this is from England.


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Where’s My Money?

The internets are full of videos manipulated by people who have too much time on their hands. These videos are my bitches and I am their pimp. I like to think that the average video dumped onto youtube, break, videosift, and the like are nothing more than lonely unprotected streetwalkers. These videos are vulnerable to attack by countless comment typists and counter-posters. Some videos don’t have the street skills or short enough skirts to get attention in this media saturated world. I embrace all the video whores out there. I outstretch my pimp cane and pull them from the gutters to be presented for your pleasure.

That makes you all my Johns, you dirty little perverts.

It is amazing what people can do on their home PCs and Macs anymore, this next video isn’t even that great of an example of what can be done. Can you imagine what George Lucas could have done with the original Star Wars trilogy if technology had been half as advanced as it is today? Oh, yeah that’s right, we did get to see what he could have done. He got to destroy our childhood.

Might as well destroy it a little more with My Dog is a Jedi.


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Now here are some quality special effects, it’s even better if you are a fan of Japanese Anime like Dragon Ball Z and the like.


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You don’t really need a whole heap of special effects to make stock footage better, sometimes all you need is a fresh perspective, and a new voice over.


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Here is an example that proves sometimes the best thing to do is leave the original video alone. I know that I am always prone to carrying shish kabobs into the men’s room only to discover dead bodies and then scream in an unusual way.


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SMUT!

Today the conversation turned to Amish Hand-jobs. You know, the Jebediah jerk, churning the butter, only second in popularity to the Obediah oral. This is pretty typical for these parts. This got me thinking, if this is the quality of conversation around my work place, why not just sit around and watch porn. Not just any porn though, the MANDOM of porn. Canadian porn… Canadian porn with snakes… Canadian porn with snake battle scenes… yeah that kind of porn.

Here is that kind of Porn. Don’t worry the clip ends before the porn part actually starts.


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Didn’t that just want you to spank the monkey? Or perhaps have the monkey spank you?


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Now if you feel a bit dirty after that feel free to wash the guilt from your hands. After all if you don’t wash your hands you might be just as evil as Lex Luthor.


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It’s Friday and I Don’t Care

Well the title pretty much sums up my feelings for today. I think that I will go home and spend my economic stimulus check on $4 a gallon gasoline or $4 a gallon skim milk. So while I am spending the money intended to boost the economy on items that will not boost the economy, you can watch the following videos.

I am not sure what they are trying to sell here. I don’t even want to find out. This ad is like every lesson you learn in advertising 101 thrown together into a big ol’ mess.


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Does anyone else just find this hard to look at? I think my favorite part is when he speaks at the end.


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I think that I am going to get a group of people together this weekend and try this.


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From Bad to Worse

I keep thinking that I have seen it all, and then I find out that I haven’t even scratched the surface. After viewing today’s videos I think that I will have to go home and take an extra MANDOM bath…No scratch that I will have to take a MANDOM bath, Gargle MANDOM, as well as use MANDOM as an eye wash. That is the only way I think I may cleanse my soul. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that I have laughed more at videos than I have today, but my God they are so wrong. If this is the trend of WTF then I will soon be out of material for the simple fact that most WTF will just seem mundane in comparison. Until that day comes I will soldier on and keep attempting to bring you freshly picked WTF.

Up first is the tamest of today’s videos. I never watched The Dukes of Hazard; even as a child I was an elitist and didn’t care much for Southerners. After Tom showed me this clip, I wish I had.



Ok, now we are starting to get a little more depraved. This has got to be the classiest song that I have ever come across. The worst part is that this thing has been going around youtube for quite a while. I feel ashamed that I didn’t find it earlier.

Presenting; Smell Yo Dick


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Do you want to bail yet? No? Good. For the love of grapes I hope that this is done in satire. I am rather sure that it is. Even if so, it crosses all sorts of lines that I don’t even feel comfortable with.


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If that didn’t make you want to never return, then follow this link, but do not blame me for the results. I toyed with the idea of putting the actual video up here, but in the end I think it better that you make your own mind up.

It does contain full frontal male nudity. It is very disturbing. I could only bring myself to watch a small part of it.

http://www.videosift.com/video/Puppetry-of-the-Penis-the-ancient-art-of-genital-orgami

My God what have I done?

French-Asian Asses and How to Care for Them

Today I bring you the Old Country Buffet of WTF. Come one and all, form a shuffling line behind the geriatrics and the overweight white trash. Pay your “one price for all you can eat” fee and pick up your heavy duty resin trey. Travel from section to section never wondering why this place is so dimly lit. From behind the sneeze guards heaping spoonfuls of oddity and confusion await. It is plentiful, it is diverse, but none of it is good for your physical or mental well being. That won’t stop you, Hell you’re an American, excess is just the beginning. Take all you want…but please eat all you take.

Asian media is generally WTF with out even trying that hard. When they actually try for the WTF it is simply mind blowing. If you can tell me why the things that are happening in this video are happening than you are a more messed up individual than I. I highly recommend you watch it with sound because it is dubbed over.

Dubbed over in French that is.


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THIS NEXT VIDEO IS SO IMMATURE YOU MIGHT JUST WANT TO SKIP IT!!!!!


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Assuming you did watch that last video let us put the cart after the horse and combine a French invention with the Japanese flare for dramatics…here is a Japanese ad for a bidet. Personally I have never gotten behind the idea of hosing my undercarriage off after a good duce, but too each his own. I cannot tell if these people are orgasmic or in agony…or possibly both.


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And finally to leave you with that slightly sickened feeling that you would have if you had visited an actually Old Country Buffet, here is a video that can be summed up in two words.

UMM…what?


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Little… Yellow… Different

This morning I woke up with a headache. It probably has something to do with the fact that I stayed up way to late last night. Regardless of the reason, I was in pain for most of the morning. That has inspired me to share the pain. I cannot give you my headache, but these videos might.

This first one runs the same vein as the apple juice video from a couple of weeks ago.


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Here is a catchy ditty from superdeluxe.com, It’s called Fuck the Humans. I don’t think that I have to tell you there is some strong language with a title like that.




CHALLENGE

Here are a couple of endurance tests. 1:13 was my tolerance of the first and 1:30 for the second. Enjoy!


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Jesus Doesn’t Sucker-Punch

Apparently an all out brawl broke out at the site that is traditionally considered the tomb of Jesus this weekend. I think my favorite part is that it happened between two groups of Orthodox Christians. This, to me, is the problem of having an Orthodox standard for anything. If you become too caught up in maintaining the traditions and the rules, you loose sight of the meaning and spirit behind your beliefs. I used to be an Orthodox Clown hater. My traditions and beliefs behind my hatred of clowns used to limit me from viewing anything involving clowns. Subsequently I missed several episodes of the Simpsons. Not to mention I would have never found the clown sleeper cell training videos. That is why I broke from the Orthodox Clown Hating Church, and became a good old fashioned Lutheran Clown Hater. This way I can maintain many of the traditions and beliefs of the typical clown hater, but I can do it with less emphasis on Clown Hating Dogma.

And speaking of Dogs and Dog Food* I will make sure that from now on I purchase this brand for my pup.


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This video has been floating around on the internet for a few years now, but I thought that there might be a need to bring it to the surface for everyone else.


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I know that Batman’s utility belt allows him to be more prepared than a pre-pubescent group of Boy Scouts, but honestly, Bat Lube?


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* No, you are not crazy. I wasn’t actually speaking of dogs or dog food at all. I did mention dogma, but that is not really the same.

Bassdogs

As you all may have heard on the news this morning, there was an earthquake in southern Illinois today. This got me wondering, was the earthquake caused by the movement of the tectonic plates, or was there a more devious source? Let us look at the facts.

1. The Mascot of Southern Illinois University is the Saluki. A dog of Egyptian origins that looks like a greyhound that needs a haircut.
2. In 2004 a grad student of SIU received a fellowship to “work with industry researchers to improve the health of sunshine bass”
3. According to one of SIU’s websites: “Industry-leading firms from around the region, nation and the world recruit School of Engineering graduates. With a state-of-the-art facility, highly qualified faculty, and active partnerships with area industries and agencies, students prepare for challenging careers in engineering, computer science, and construction management.”

From these facts I think that it is obvious Southern Illinois University is creating a massive cloning machine that produces mutant bass dogs for the purposes of world domination. The “earthquake” was no more than explosion tremors from a major facility malfunction. This should set them back about 6 months.

While we enjoy the brief reprieve from our future of tail slaps and dog bites I thought that we should enjoy some videos about animals.

Tom found this one. It is not so much about the animals, but about the disturbing little ditty that accompanies it.



This is from one of SIU’s early animal attack human projects.


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Here are a couple of SIU Students training a heard of mutant talking goats that will run the infrastructure of the puppet government established after the bassdogs take over. They seem a little obsessed with the balls though.


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And finally, this one is not so much about animals, but about teats. Warning: NSFW language.


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Dancing with the Kung Fu Flesh-eaters

I would say that I have writers block today, the only problem is that I would hardly consider myself a writer. So it seems that I just have block today. It is kinda frustrating. I think part of it stems from the fact that it is 70 degrees and sunny outside, and I am stuck at work. A work place where I cannot see the sun and it is 78 degrees inside. Regardless of the cause, I have block. I think that I just might take that block and store it away someplace so when I have block again I can start a collection. When I have gathered enough blocks I will build myself a mighty castle and call myself King Floppy Socks. I will rule my kingdom with grace and malevolence. My subjects will love me and I will give them pet names like Snugglymuffins and Poopoofluff. Every Tuesday will be reserved for Spam-car races, and all the trophies will be made of the finest goat leather that my leather crafters can find. Things will not always be easy though. There will be the monthly blood-letting, but in general the complaints will be minimal.

Yes I definitely have block today.

If you find yourself with artistic constipation, I recommend a project to pass the time. A project such as this one…


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This scene is out of context. I don’t think that matters. I have a feeling it doesn’t really make sense within the movie that it came from.



I don’t want people thinking that I only spend my time making fun of foreign television from the 70s. I also enjoy laughing at our own bad television from the 70s.


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So today it appears that I managed to find the Leprechaun of WTF trap him and force him to lead me to his pot-o-WTFgold. I feel no need to ramble on today. I think the videos will bring you all the joy sadness and shock that you need.

Up first is the long awaited sequel to Charlie the Unicorn. If you have not seen the first yet follow the link below

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus

Now Enjoy Charlie the Unicorn and the Banana King!


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This is one of those videos that are purposely terrible. I personally like the dog head aliens the best.


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And finally here is probably one of the more disturbing WTF things that I have posted. I realize that Horse-headed-naked-Japanese-mushroom-cooking-guy, as well as Inochi fall into this catagory, but this gives them a run for their money.


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Me Smokem Peace Pipe

Believe it or not, before Pirates and Ninjas were cool, there were Cowboys and Indians. This is interesting for the simple fact that Ninjas and Pirates historically predate Cowboys and Indians. This reinforces the fact that I don’t believe in time as a dimension. If time is either a linear, or spoke wheel dimension, then coolness of historical characters should run in those directions. They should not insert themselves randomly. The only explanation is that there is a rift in the Coolness-Space-Time-Continuum allowing the coolness of Cowboys and Indians to come and go as it pleases. Now that I think about it, why is it that we pronounce the two u’s in continuum separately? I think that it is only fair that from now on we pronounce the two u’s in vacuum separately as we’ll.

Say it with me… Vacu um… Vacu um… Vacu um.

I think that I will start doing this with all double letter words from now on

Tod d… Tod d… Tod d

Where was I? Oh yes…Cowboys and Indians and the Coolness-Space-Time-Continuum. To attempt to set things straight with the “flow of time” here is a Cowboy video.


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Arnie the Governator must have put on too much* MANDOM the day he thought he could take up the torch that Mr. Bronson had laid down after shooting his Japanese adds.


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This one is simple, flaming legs pushing a shopping cart.


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CHALLENGE!!!

Today wraps up with the Indian side of the Cowboys and Indians subject with the following video challenge. Oh sure he is probably not actually a Native American, but then again neither was that 70’s Pick Up Your Trash PSA Indian either. As usual see how long you can last. I made it 1:51 before I wanted to cry.


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* I know. I know you can never put on too much MANDOM. It was just a figure of speech.

Whooping Ass

You may or may have not noticed that I did not post anything on Friday. It was because I was chaperoning a field trip for my daughter’s kindergarten class. MANDOM teaches us that it is a good thing to spend time with our offspring. Seeing that I don’t have a son to arm wrestle, or drive in fast cars with, I figured a trip to the local public library with my daughter was equally brawny. The day was a truly insightful experience, not at the library, but after we got back. My daughter’s teacher was wise enough to understand that 20 some odd kindergarteners were never going to sit quietly in class and learn anything for the last hour of the day, especially with parents around. So we had recess. It was during this delightful fresh air outing that a revolution came to me. I COULD KICK ANY OF THESE CHILDREN’S ASSES! Really it wouldn’t take much. A bitch slap, tripping, a light shove and any one of those kids would have run off crying. It made me feel powerful. Adding to my ego was the fact that they all thought I was cool. I didn’t have to do a thing, just stand there in my 6’ 2” glory and push them on a swing.

Armed with this knowledge I will finally be able to take over the world with an army of kindergarteners. Politician after politician have always gone after the working class to support them. Yes there are about 70 million of them in this country. Yes that is a lot more than the roughly 3000 kindergarteners, but I have the advantage. You will never going to get more than 51% of the middle class to follow you. The working class is now down to 35 million. Of the remaining, about 51% are male. If you have ever spent much time around 5 year olds you will know that they have a tendency to launch them selves at you, and are notorious for accidently mashing your balls with said launch. The working class is now down to about 17 million. Those 17million are women, and most women find little kids adorable on some level.

In conclusion the plan is fool proof. Let us recap the positive aspects.

1. Impressed with the simple things
2. Have a propensity for wailing on the clock weights
3. Enthrall the average woman
4. I could totally kick asses if an uprising should occur

In honor of my new revolution here are some videos that kick ass…literally.

Ok so this one actually kicks face, but you get the picture.


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This one kicks ass and face and uses weapons. If you can make it through the opening sequence you are treated to some delightfully bad overdubbing.


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This morning I heard about this Mexican Luchador, named Maximo, whose shtick is being making out with the opponents he defeats. This didn’t come as a surprise to me because I assumed all pro wrestlers were gay. Seriously look at those outfits.

These guys are so much as gay as just plain dramatic. Yes they are from Japan why do you bother asking?







P.S. After I posted the Klaus Nomi video the other day, I actually received a few comments. The first was from my brother in law. He suggested that this video was more suitable for the WTF category. I am inclined to agree. The second post was from a fellow blogspot blogger who apparently has an obsession with Heir Nomi, and was glad to educate me on his greatness and his tragic death of AIDS. I don’t think she gets my blog. Oh well it’s not for everyone… but it should be.

Not for the Faint of Heart!!!

Personal responsibility is a big thing for me. I am tired of this whole world finding something or someone to blame the stupid things it does on. Why am I preaching? I am preaching because today is officially “OFEND YOUR NEIGHBOR THURSDAY” here on toddsift. I am not going to apologize for what you might see and hear… you should know what you are getting into.

A bit slow to get to the joke, but I felt the end was an awesome payoff.


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I don’t know, I don’t think that I want to know.


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Crass, lewd, and some rough language…enjoy responsibly.


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The Legend of Old Gregg is the name of this one. It has a dance number in the end. That is all I am going to say.


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Total Eclipse of the WTF

Prior to today, I had never given up on the daily post since Andy made this blog for me. I searched many many hours today… eight and a half to be exact…before I figured that there was nothing worth posting. I cannot tell you how empty inside I felt for not giving, those who need random WTF to survive, the daily nutrition needed. I did wept the bitter tears of defeat.

Then out of the quagmire of loss I was handed the golden rope of salvation. My brother-in-law, José, did give me the foothold to pull myself out of bottomless despair, to the light of OMGWTF.

Here is Klaus Nomi; German, Clown, Mime-Ish, Tiny tim-ish, 80’s, WTF.



Thank you José

Big Hair

Today I heard that Foreigner was going on tour again this summer. The tour will be sponsored by the AARP. I’m not kidding either. Don’t believe me? Go here.

http://www.aarp.org/aarp/articles/connect_to_celebrate.html.

I actually attended a Foreigner concert once. The tickets were free. This is what the crowd looked like.





I was able to make it about three songs; I don’t remember which ones specifically. Head Games, Cold as Ice, Hot Blooded, Double Vision, Urgent, take your pick, they all sound the same. All I wanted to hear was Jukebox Hero. It was probably the encore. I wasn’t going to hang.

It’s not Foreigner’s fault that all of their songs sound the same. Our language has a limited amount of sounds. Eventually everything is going to sound like something else. Everything is going to sound like “Apple Juice”


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NOW FOR A NEW FEATURE…CHALLENGE!!!

Much in the same way I was challenged to sit through a Foreigner concert just so that I could hear Jukebox Hero(a challenge I have previously stated that I failed), I challenge you to sit through this. I realize that many of the videos that I post are a challenge to sit through, but most of them have a train wreck effect to them disallowing your disengagement. So here is how it goes; sit back and watch it with audio, when it is unbearable to you, stop it, note the time, and leave a comment with time and name. Winner gets my love and adoration.

Personally I could only hack the first 54 seconds. I don’t even know how long the clip is.


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Finally today is a video for those of us that love ABC’s LOST. It is also for those of you out there that Hate ABC’s LOST, and for those of you who don’t understand ABC’s LOST. It is even for those of you who don’t understand why any one would love or hate ABC’s LOST, and also for those of you who love PBS’s Great Performances, but not for those of you who love anything on Lifetime.


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Damn Dirty Apes

The world is a darker place today. Charlton Heston is with the angels… angels with rifles. Throughout his 83 years 6 months and 1day Chuck Heston gave the world a perpetual gift of awesome. Along with names like Chuck Norris, William Shatner, and Bahhatur Aydinlisoy*, the very mention of Charlton’s name stirs a deep resonance within us all.

Heston didn’t act in movies, his talent was so raw and powerful that movies simply assembled themselves around him. One day someone put one of our simian cousins in the room with Charlton and Planet of the Apes was born. Unfortunately a few years later a B movie director tried the same experiment and this was the result.


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Like when Heston played Moses, the leader and prophet to the Israelites, Chuck can also teach and lead us in this modern world. Never before has there been an actor who took a role by the balls as much as Chuck. This teaches us that we need to take life by the balls. Not only take it by the balls, but force it to do our bidding, make us pancakes, clean our toilets, and walk our dogs. The term overacting comes to many peoples minds when they think of Charlton Heston. Those people are fools; Heston was so far beyond overacting he reached a new plateau. Just like the Koreans have reached a new plateau with this pizza. Can’t decide whether you want bratwurst or pizza…they say don’t.


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So now, in honor of the passing of Charlton Heston, I am posting something so bizarre and perverse that human eyes should not look upon it. This runs along the same vein as horse-head Japanese guy cooks mushrooms, but with high production values. Chuck would have been proud.


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*A name I made up for the actor who played Turkish Rambo

FRIDAY

Fridays seem to be notoriously difficult when it comes to finding good quality WTF. The last couple of weeks my posts have been rather late in the day, after many hours of digging. This week would have been the same if it weren’t for one simple fact…I am lazy.

So, in the spirit of laziness, here is a large dump of not quite WTF enough quirky videos that I bypassed at least once this week already.

This is probably the most WTF item today, but because it is from the 1990’s Liquid Television shown on MTV, I assume that some of you might have seen it before. If not, be prepared to be confused.


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Once again, here is something I would normally consider WTF, but it is from a regular web series at superdelux.com. Tom turned me on to these, and I love him like no man should love another for it. I will end the homo-erotic blathering, and allow you to enjoy Babycakes.



The Picnicface folks don't just do wacky commercials, they also do wacky sketch comedy as well.


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Here is one from Human Giant currently shown on MTV.


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I apologize for promoting anything from MTV. I hope you accept my apology in the form of a video that likens the flavor of McDonald’s food to a race riot in the mouth.


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R. Kelly Was Right

There is one constant while working at the Renaissance Center downtown Detroit, and that is broken escalators. I honestly don’t remember a time when either the RenCen or the Milander Center (which is attached via hamster tube) didn’t have at least one escalator under repair. This leads me to believe that there is a conspiracy to force us to evolve the powers of flight. Everyone knows that fossil fuels are eventually going to run out. What better way to prepare than to eliminate the need vehicular transportation.

Here is where you say,
“Todd, you are very well aware of the company that owns that facility. Why would they want no more cars?”

To which I respond in my infinite wisdom,
“DUH.”

For you see, by creating the next mode of transportation through the manipulation of the human genome, they give themselves the foresight to create the necessary accessories that all future-flying humans will need. Items like: helmets, spring-boots, fanny cushions for beginners, and such and such.

If you don’t want your great great great great great great great great great great grandchildren to have to buy these products, than I suggest you take the stairs.

Any who… It’s video time.

Wait for it….wait for it….wait for it.


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I couldn’t resist this one. This is another video from Picnicface, the group that brought you NFL Crunchtime, and the Powerthirst videos. I also have to warn you, the language gets a little NSFW from here on out.



I wish I understood this one. Well actually it is probably better off that I don’t. There is some true WTF moments here.

Pyrite

I am not one to suffer fools gladly. This much you might have already guessed seeing that I was probably the only site on the whole internet yesterday that did not have a prank. There are already far too many naturally occurring fools in this world. The last thing I figured the world needed was for me to make more of them by pulling a prank. However I can tell you that there are several things that I do suffer gladly, alcohol and videogames being among them. So then why not make today’s videos around those topics?

Yes this is a bit immature, but what on this site isn’t? I remember, as a child, being in possession of a mini tape recorder that had a speed setting on it. I could spend hours uproariously laughing at a recording sped up to chipmunk speed, or slowed down to a sloth-like crawl. Well I am a man now, a MANDOM man, and I still enjoy this manipulation. It appears that all it takes is a 30% speed reduction to make Jeff Goldblum sound knee stumbling drunk. That is the kind of person I want to by a Mac from… an inebriated one.



Now we move on to the videogames. Like many things out of Japan the theme music for Super Smash Bros. Brawl is really epic sounding. The problem with epic sounding is that there is just no way of understanding the lyrics… until now.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

To mix things up a little today, I decided to include some of those fancy non-moving no sound having videos you see all over the internets these days. By the way, the first picture's caption reads "Its the hat".

Without Further Ado

Really can’t think of what to say today, just enjoy the videos.


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It’s amazing how long 30 seconds can feel.


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