Sorry God

Evidently there is a man in Colorado who claims to have an authentic video of an alien peering into his window. The man plans on releasing the video to the news media some time today. Not only did this video convince him that visitors from outer space are real, but he feels that legislation should be put in place on how to deal with our celestial neighbors. As I have said before in my ramblings, this kind of preparation is completely unnecessary. When Jesus comes back, he will straighten everything out for us, and when I say straighten out I mean split the world in two and line us up for judgment. I know what group I want to be in when that happens (and its not the one burning eternally) although I am not so certain that writing about Jesus and Aliens all in one post is in my best interest. I’m not overly worried about the fate of my soul; I think it is rather obvious that God has a sense of humor. How else could you explain a people capable of creating such delights as these?

Do these tights make me look gay? No, the penis in your mouth does.


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Here is a series of short McDonald’s commercials from across the pond. UM?!?!?


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I have like a million pairs of these pants myself.


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Letters from Guantanamo Bay

It is becoming clear to me that one of the facilities that I work in was designed for the sole purpose of torture. For weeks now the temperature of my work space has been at least 80 degrees, how do I know this? I know this because that is what it says on the thermostat, the very thermostat that controls the air conditioning unit that does not work. This wouldn’t be so bad if corporate casual weren’t the dress code, or if the desks that we sit at weren’t made of a plastic that adheres to human skin when you perspire. So, just as I was starting to get used to the warmth a new irritant appeared in the environment. One of the many servers that are mounted in the data racks behind me decided that a drive was bad, that is when the beeping began. The beeping has been going on for some time now, how long I cannot say with any accuracy, but it feels like it has been happening for hours. One would think that eventually the beeping would just become part of the background noise, but no, somehow it stays in the forefront of the mind. It is like having a little construction monkey living on the back of your skull. This monkey has a little jack hammer, and every half of a second or so he squeezes the trigger sending a miniature flurry of irritation into your brain stem. It is quite an experience. The best part of it all is that all attempts to stop the beeping have failed so now we are waiting for Dell Technical Support to arrive to flip the magical switch that will kill the brain drilling monkey. Seeing that Dell Technical Support originates in India, I suppose the monkey eliminator should show up some time in the next two weeks. If you notice that my posts start taking on a “more than usual” deranged manor during these aforementioned two weeks please contact OSHA for me, because by that point I have a feeling that I will have passed beyond the barriers of sanity.

I am pretty sure that they are going to start water-boarding us next week.

UPDATE!!!

I had to get away from the beeping, so I went downstairs to go to the bathroom and found this.

I Quit!

Now for the WTF, here is Popeye vs. Anime


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Wheelchair Werewolf


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Here is Part 1 of Gay Robot


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And here is part 2


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There is some NSFW language in this one, but it shouldn’t hinder your enjoyment of Taint Monopoly.


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CHALLENGE!!!!

I think next to the beeping I found this one completely tolerable. Some how I managed to sit through all five minutes of this ridiculousness.


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However I could only survive about a minute and a half of this embarrassment. Curse the makers of the Key-tar.


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The Po-Po is Keeping Me Down

I got a ticket on the way into work last week. I don’t claim innocence; I was speeding, as I usually do through the industrial park that houses one of my places of employment. The amazing part of the whole thing is the amount of bureaucratic bull shit that I am going to have to go through just to try and get the points removed from my record. I gave the ticket a couple of days to make it to the courts before I called to get a date, unfortunately the day I called was the Friday before Memorial Day. Low and behold they were closed... nice. Monday was the holiday, a day that obviously needed 3 days to work up to, so I called on Tuesday. I was treated rather haughtily and told in a tone, suggesting that it was my fault, that the court was without power and that I would have to call back on Wednesday in order to receive a court date. So this morning I called for the third time, and got myself into the process of receiving a court date. Notice I didn’t say that I received a court date. Sometime in the next three weeks I will receive a letter in the mail that will tell me, within the sub sequential following 6 to 8 weeks, what day my court date will be. Come fall my 5 mph over speeding ticket should be cleared up. I couldn’t imagine treating people this way. I think about how irritated the 10s of people who come to this blog on a semi weekly basis would be if I posted videos on a 3 month delay. Actually they wouldn’t be irritated, they would just move on to a better outlet. That is the catch though; there is no other outlet for dealing with speeding tickets. Judge Wapner/Judy/Greg Mathis/Joe Brown/Hatchett only take on civil dispute cases, and Judge Dredd was a terrible movie staring Sylvester Stallone. So I am stuck with a time consuming court process as well as the inability to scrub the horrible memories of a crappy comic to movie port, staring a mentally retarded slurring Italian-American with a girly sounding name, from my mind.

Speaking of crime and punishment, have fun punishing your selves with this trio of eccentricity.

I knew there was a reason that I didn’t care for cats, they make French style films when no one is looking.


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This is the kind of film that I can get behind; it leaves so many questions in one’s mind. Such as:

Why did Rumpelstiltskin feel the need to make life easier on his victim?

Why was this man’s reaction speed so slow?

If Rumpelstiltskin can remove his head, can he put it back on?

Did this man actually die from the semi-vicious tooth to neck raking, or did he merely fall down laughing at the hilarity of the situation?


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At last we come to the point where sheep need to be involved. This video I nabbed from a site called rocketboom.com. Andy suggested the site. I won’t be going back to it because of jealousy reasons. The blogger does, everyday, what I think in my head that this site should do. The difference is that she actually does it, and she does it with a British accent (it is unknown to most people that I too write my blog with a British accent).

I’m Kathy, Your Time Life Operator

So in Tokyo Japan a man was arrested for making 500 phone calls in 16 months time to a toll free, automated phone system. Evidently, he got off on the pre recorded woman’s voice on the other end. The 3100 hours of calls cost the food company he was calling over $40000. That is what you call sticking it to the man. So many people pay for their masturbatory habits in terms of websites, magazines, or DVDs, that Banana Belting has created its own massive industry. This guy didn’t just find a way to enjoy some quality alone time for free; he found a way to make others pay for it (until he was caught). Hell that is more than just sticking it to the man, it is sticking it to the man, spitting on the back of his head, and refusing to give a reach around.

Why don’t you watch these videos while I go call the gas company several dozen times?

I liked this video because of the many subtle WTFs, such a reference to spaghetti baths, thrown in amongst the more obvious WTFs.


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This is pretty much how my childhood went, or at least that is what I tell myself to explain all the voices in my head.


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You might think this was a slow news day, but I take wiener poopie very seriously as well.


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Leave it to the Japanese to create noodles that make your boobs bigger.


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CHALLENGE!!!!!

This is a band covering Avenged Sevenfold’s Unholy Confessions. When I say covering, I mean finding a large pile of feces and shoveling it onto the top of the original song. I watched about the first minute and a half before I had to look up the original song to see what it actually sounded like. Even if heavy metal is not your cup of tea, it is plain to hear when it is massacred. I love the fact that no matter how bad the song gets there is some guy in the front row still rocking out.


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Sex Appeal

The world will come to an end soon. I am not just jumping onto that whole “Mayan Calendar that ends in 2012” thing, nor am I considering the massive natural disasters that have struck Asia recently as signs of the apocalypse. My prediction for the end of times comes from much sounder evidence. I believe that God will smite us with his all powerfulness simply because a movie based around the Pac-Man franchise is in the works. To date no movie made from a videogame has either been successful, nor even watchable. Why then, in the name of shrimp, would the concept of a Pac-Man movie sound good to any one? This would be a movie based on a franchise that has not even been on a gaming council in decades, a movie based on a little yellow round guy that eats his way to success while never pooping, a movie that encourages eating “power pellets” so you can chase your demons away. I realize that most movie executives live so far up the asses of the movie studio owners that they possibly couldn’t have a perspective on what is quality and what is shit, but PAC-MAN?!?!?

I am going home to cry now.

While I weep, enjoy the first episode of Italian Spiderman. I found the trailer quite a while ago, and I think that it is one of the original videos Andy put on this site when he first set it up. Not that you have to see the trailer to enjoy this spooftastic prod at foreign television.


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Ahh Calvin Klein, you have a fragrance for everything.


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Here is got to be the worst 70 porno ever made. The original poster said that the porn was edited out of this 4 minute clip, but after watching it, I am not so sure there was any porn in this porn to begin with. Here is Batpussy.


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Short but Sweet

Apparently Manchester United is the new European League Champion. Yeah I don’t care either but I needed something to write about. The very name Manchester United strikes me odd. It suggests that once upon a time Manchester was a much divided city. I can just picture several hundred two and three man soccer (or football to you purist bastards) teams roaming the streets of Manchester. These team-lets would brawl for superiority whenever they would meet. Errant games would cause chaos in the streets, churches and restrooms knocking over old ladies, breaking flowerpots, and causing cats to run off making that screechy noise that cats make whenever they run off in movies or television. This would have been dark times indeed for Manchester. However, just like every other problem on the British Isles this one would be handled by a Patron Saint. Saint So and So of Such and Such undoubtedly came to the people’s greater need and united the team-lets into the mega team that would eventually become the league champions.

So in honor of Saint So and So of Such and Such here are a few videos that, I believe, truly capture the spirit of unity... or have nothing to do with unity at all.

This video is quite the train wreck that I could not force myself away from watching. The hair alone provides “volumes” of entertainment value. Besides, who doesn’t love watching white people dance to old school hip hop?


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Here the Meth Minute treats us to some kid’s shows that are not so much for the kids.


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News is the Future of the Future News

NBC 11 of San Jose has decided to put a memorial “life in pictures” slide show on their website for Sen. Kennedy. I think it is a sweet and touching notion…especially for SOMEONE WHO ISN’T DEAD YET!!!! For a moment I thought that I had stumbled onto an Onion News parody page, but no, this was serious. I think that as a not-even-remotely-professional-source-of-important-information, my blog has to really step up to the challenge. I have to make sure that I have all the latest news that may be about to happen sometime in the relative future. I cannot be the passive reactionary blogger that just finds videos that someone else has created and posted. I have to find the videos that no one has created yet and subsequently cannot be posted. Or even better, when I cannot find the videos that no one has created yet (witch is inevitable) I will have to fill my blog with filler fluff pieces. Pieces like: Crate of Kittens Saves a School Bus Full of Toddlers from Horrific Accident…Story at 11. Or maybe I can write overly obvious articles to help the poor muddled masses who lack the intelligence to figure out the obvious. Like the secrets of weight loss (the secret is a healthy diet, and exercise in proportion to you metabolism), or even how to get the most from your gas millage (drive slower ass holes). No, I don’t think that I am being forward thinking enough. What I need to do is write my blog in the inevitable universal language that the aliens from Kratzgbmer 4 will teach us in the year 2134 when they land in New Mexico to retrieve their errant weather balloon. Then again that would not be useful either because that language is never going to really catch on because six months after the alien’s arrival will be the second coming of Christ and the Apocalypse. Oh well… it seems that attempting to surpass all of the “news” organizations out there is actually a rather fruitless pursuit, perhaps I will stick to posting videos that have already been created.

David Lynch is a messed up individual. Twin Peaks alone should tell you that. I think that it is entirely possible that he did not receive enough attention as a child.


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Well at least David “warm panties in the mouth” Lynch is not racist. Or at least I am assuming that he is not racist. I wish that I could say the same for Mr. Freedom.


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Perhaps if Mr. Freedom spent less time recruiting the French to fight in his race wars, he could use his powers to save us from the fearsome Japanese sea monsters.


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Had the pen pals in this next video watched the news, they would have known that this future relationship would have never worked out. The news might have told them how to save a few nickels and dimes on postage as well (its called email dipshits).


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Middle C

I am a lover of music. I think that this is a direct reflection of the household that I grew up in. Were my parents great musicians? No, my father couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, and while my mother sang in her church choir when younger, no prima donna of the opera was she. How then did I gain such a deep appreciation of the melodic arts? Like the blind man who hears the slightest noise on a quiet night, my love of music was born out of the lack of quality sensory imput. My father’s entire record collection consisted of a greatest country-western ballads compellation. A LP that I accidently dropped from its jacket and broke, simultaneously ending the possibility of reveling in Johnny Cash’s Ghost Riders in the Sky and beginning a 15 minute lecture on the care and consideration for other people’s property. My mother, on the other hand, had a vast array of 45s, as well as a decent selection of contemporary music for the 1980’s white suburbanite house wife. The problem remained however, that when she would play music she would turn the bass all the way down, and the treble all the way up reducing it to a scratchy AM sound quality. This was not quite as irritating as fact that when we were in the car, inevitably my mother would turn on the radio, to something as stimulating as WNIC, and my father, not wanting to be distracted, would turn the volume down to a sub-human hearing level. So not only were we subjected to the hits of Neil Sedaka, but they were the hissy hits of Neil Sedaka at an ear-straining whisper quiet volume. Calendar Girl was never meant to inspire frustration, but for me it certainly did. I cannot say that my parents were the only problem with my childhood music experience. I was born in 1975, the heyday of all things that rock. Unfortunately, by the time I hit that age where one typically starts developing a musical taste, it was the early 80’s, or the dark ages of American music as I like to call it. Every 80’s hair band had at least one extraordinary musician, and four other shit heads that thought the big hair and women’s makeup would get them by. If fascinates me still to this day, that on all the where is so and so now style programs, these “musicians” are still dumbfounded on why no one wants to hear their style any more. Well mister mascara, the only reason people thought your schlock was tolerable the first time around was because they were high on quality Columbian blow, and wearing dock shoes with no socks. So as I have said, it was from this bleak wasteland that my true appreciation of music was born. I can honestly say that while I don’t understand why people listen to half of the crap they listen to, I can understand why, because it speaks to them.

Here are some of the songs that spoke to me today as I searched the dark corners of the internets.

Wilford Brimley, a personal enemy of mine, has had a lovely run on the internets, especially his Liberty Medical commercials. Evedently there is a Japanese Anime called Monster that stars a character that bares a striking resemblance to Mr. Brimley, hence this Die-a-beetus Remix Mash-up.


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Techno has that drug like mesmerizing quality that makes people want to dance. Apparently in Australia, techno plus a chicken has that drug like mesmerizing quality that makes people want to order Domino’s Pizza. I don’t get it either, but then again, I don’t live upside down.


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I can only imagine what the casting call for this video must have been like: Wanted: 18 individuals with mediocre dance skills who must be into split personalities, furries, and confined spaces.



Up last we have a kitty who is attempting to recreate the Theremin solo from Led Zeppelin’s Whole Lotta Love for his one adoring fan.


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WARNING! EXTREME GORE BELOW!

Apparently a few days ago a Swiss man died as a result of a spitting contest. He and his buddy had a contest to see how far off their hotel balcony they could spit. Not to be outdone by his friend, the victim got a running start from inside the room, and failed to stop when he hit the railing of the balcony. He fell only approximately 20 feet, but it proved to be fatal. I am going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that alcohol might have had some part in it all. In fact I don’t think that the story that was given was true at all. Here is how I see the events playing out.

12:43pm – Ernst, Linus and Markus leave their collective hotel room for a day on the town.

7:53pm – After spending the entire afternoon shopping for new pocket knives Ernst, Linus, and Markus decide to head to the local Discothèque to grind away on some ecstasy-hopped up 17 year-old girls while listening to the best Euro-pop.

10:27pm – Not finding very many ecstasy-hopped up 17 year-old girls, and far too many ecstasy-hopped up 17 year old homosexual males at the local Discothèque, Ernst, Linus and Markus leave in search of sustenance.

10:34pm – Ernst, Linus and Markus enter a Pick-Pay grocery store and purchase 4 Toblerone Chocolate Bars, and two cases of Ackermann Beer.

11:03pm – Ernst, Linus and Markus, now feeling the effect of the Swiss beer and chocolate, stumble into a local park and begin to harass a homeless man.

11:14pm – Linus, suffering from a broken nose as a result of a “Jackie Chan Style” fight with the homeless man, angrily stumbles back to their collective hotel room to “sleep it off”.

11:24pm – Ernst and Markus risk jail time and pay for the services of one “Fraulein Fister” in the red light district. Neither man is aware that Fister is a transsexual.

12:07am – Ernst and Markus return to their hotel room to find Linus asleep on the toilet wearing no pants. Ernst and Markus move Linus to his bed and continue to drink.

1:16am – An incoherent call to room service is received. In the background, the service attendant can hear a man yelling something about German Pornography and a spitting contest.

2:24am – A fist fight breaks out over the last uneaten Toblerone between Ernst and Markus.

2:25am – The fistfight ends when Linus wakes up. Linus's eyes are swollen mostly shut due to the broken nose, through them sees what appears to him as two men fighting over a dildo at the foot of his bed, he is pantless and German porn rages in the background. Linus yells a few choice obscenities appropriate for just this sort of situation. The yell startles Markus into letting go of the Toblerone, sending Ernst off balance and out onto the balcony where he falls over the railing ending his life in a horror style gore-fest.

2:27 – Markus and Linus share the last Toblerone, before calling the police.

So…Speaking of those Kooky Europeans, here is a segment from an Italian variety show in which a construction worker removes a ladies clothing with an excavator. No nudity for you perverts out there, just skivvies.


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So…Speaking of Euro-pop, here is a Japanese Whiskey commercial starring Duran Duran as Bobble heads along with a lot of creepy dolls.


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So…Speaking of fights breaking out, here is a clip that I cannot begin to understand. It starts with a gunfight, and ends with a drum solo.


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So…Speaking of Jackie Chan style fights, here is where Jackie learned his moves.


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So…Speaking of Jail time and Gore-fests, here is the trailer for Werewolf in a Woman’s Prison.


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So…Speaking of jail time, Jackie Chan style fighting, Gore-fests, but not Toblerone, here is a great big mess.


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If a Robot Cries, Does it Rust?

I am worried about a robot uprising, I have been for a long time. Recently Honda’s creepy little bipedal robot ASIMO directed the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. I can tell you that it makes me shudder to know that “that thing” was in my area, and I was totally unprepared. I certainly would have stocked up on shotgun ammo and barred my doors had I known. You may think that I am being a bit mellow-dramatic, but if sci-fi writing and movies have anything to say about the future, conduction an orchestra is only the beginning. Next thing you know the little ASIMOs of the world won’t be satisfied with just conducting orchestras for our amusement. They will want to learn to drive cars, and vote, and eventually we will have the whole robot marriage issue to deal with. They will make (literally) their own babies, but they will make them better, and smarter, and stronger. Then one day a robot will run for president, and because we will all be tired of the useless two party system, we (the ignorant fleshy masses) will elect it. That is when the real trouble will begin, because the robot president’s foreign policies will be lousy. We will find ourselves invading countries like China, and India, because they use child labor, instead of “the more fair and proper” robot labor. Of course we won’t send the robot troupes; they will be too expensive to use on such police state wars. Instead specially trained cows with C-4 strapped to them will be used. This will astronomically raise the price of beef and McDonalds and Burger King will go bankrupt, ending an era in America where all things were pure. I don’t want that to be the future laid out for my children, and I don’t think you do either. So I say; DAMN the walking robots, DAMN the talking robots, DAMN the attempts at artificial intelligence, DAMN the Scientologists, DAMN skinny legged jeans, and DAMN all the Emo kids out there, we will fight for our future!

Ok, now that I go that out of my system, here is something else to give you the creeps. I can understand the need to be creative; I can even get behind the concept of this amalgamation of movement and music, but I cannot understand why it has to sound like the music that plays whenever the boogieman comes out of the closet at night.


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I can never get enough of overdubbed clips, which is evident, because here are two more.


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There are some things in this world that will still be more frightening that a robot uprising, but they will come from Japan as well.


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Not As Awesome As Little Debbie

As I write this I am in the middle of eating a Little Debbie Spirit of America Stars & Stripes Chocolate Snack Cake. I have never felt so patriotic in my life, and it only cost me $1.29 for a box of 12 twin wrapped packs of a little chocolate cream filled bites of America. Not every country can claim that they have the same joys that we do. Often they have to improvise with what is available, and struggle for their fruits. Here are a few cases of such struggling.

I don’t have the first clue of the country of origin of this video all I know is that it has some of the best dancing I have seen in a while.


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Here is a video from America’s Hat, Canada. This video also has some good dancing, as well as bunny sex.


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Finally, I don’t think that anyone has to struggle as much as Australians. Just look what has to be done to get a good glass of beer. Just imagine the smell the next day.


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Snail Penis

Why is it that every nature documentary has to show animal sex? I can understand that certain things need to be shown to make, what would normally a boring information dump, exciting. Showing the dramatic life versus death hunt scene of the African Lion is good, showing a bull elephant charge the chase vehicle to protect it’s territory is good, showing hippos in the middle of their oh so passionate sweaty love thrusting, not so good. I am sure that if you asked a documentary maker why they insist on putting the happy humping hippos in their feature they would give the generic “Its part of nature” spiel. Ironically enough cougar pooping and monkey masturbating are also “part of nature”, but you won’t see either of those happen on NOVA. However to see those kinds of things you can turn to the internets. The internets is a world full of masturbating monkeys and pooping cougars, along with whinny narcissistic brats leaving messages of self loathing all over youtube (don’t even get me started on bloggers, those attention starved whores). So in honor of animals and the natural things that they do, here is some animal WTF…oh yeah, there is also Anna Nicole Smith as a space alien, and Baby Fighting.

I can’t think of anything more natural for a monkey to do than to sell his house in the Congo, move to Japan, buy a second hand Kimono, and get a job at a local tea house.



I never knew how kinky snail sex is, but apparently Isabella Rossellini does. When you combine Ms. Rossellini, snail sex, and a small amount of defecation, you get this video. This is slightly NSFW do to a nude suit, replica snail penises and moaning.


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Unlike snail sex, we all know how kinky William Shatner is. Here is the loving moment “The Shat” met with Koko the sign language gorilla.


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And finally in the animal category, proof that Disney can make and sell anything.


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Now that all the bestiality has gotten you worked up, here a couple of videos that defy logic in their own special way. First is a trailer for what has got to be one of the most awesome films ever made, Illegal Aliens, staring Anna Nicole Smith. Why the drugs had to rob us of such a quality thespian, I will never know.


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This video will teach you to never turn your back on a baby, they are evil incarnate!


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Lesser Expectations

There are certain words and phrases in the English vernacular that drive me insane. One is “I gave a hundred and ten percent.” I am not generally a purest when it comes to anything, least of all mathematical theory, but I cannot accept the concept of adding to a number that represents the totality of something. This irritating phrase is reflected in the equally annoying “He gave it his all.” A phrase used generally when someone’s “all” was not enough to complete said task. Perhaps if that lazy bastard had “given it all” plus that magical ten percent some people think can be added, he might have just accomplished what he set out to do in the first place. People are useless. Speaking of “people,” why is it that we insist on creating words and then not using them? “People” is the word that we created to be the plural of “person”, but for some reason, the word “persons” has become equally acceptable. These are the same stupid “persons” who insist on “thinking outside the box,” because obviously the rest of us do our best thinking while sitting inside stuffy cramped cardboard boxes. Yes, yes, I realize that the box is supposed to be a metaphor and that when the phrase was coined sometime in the mid eighties it was probably an innovative motivator for creativity, but it is so overused and contrite at this point that outside the box has become inside the box. So today I suppose if you want to be original you think “inside the box” or, as I like to do most of my thinking, “in the bag.” I guess that I shouldn’t expect too much from a language that is composed from French, German and a smattering of Greek and Latin. Speaking of expecting, the last phrase that I want to bitch about is “Expect the unexpected.” This is one of those phrases that self destructs under the weight of its own prose. If I sit around (presumably while outside of a box) expecting those things that I might not expect, when they happen I will have already expected them, therefore making them no longer unexpected. Then again, I probably was only “giving it my all’ and not the full “110%” I should have, therefore missing something unexpected in my anticipations, and making me the laughing stock of all the “persons” inside the box.

This first video has been lurking around the internets for quite some time, and I didn’t give it the time of day, I guess I didn’t expect (there is that damnable word again) to be that good, shame on me. Here is Sherlockbot!


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Well I guess we all don’t get what we expect out of things sometimes, I didn’t realize that video would be good, and this little boy didn’t expect he would be born of the filthy loins of a chain smoking, alcoholic, anti-social father.


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CHALLENGE!!!

Now here is something that you could have thoroughly expected to come from a gigantic mound of coke and mediocre musical talent. A minute and a half is all I wanted of this self-fellating piece of avant-garde piece of Klaus Nomi-esque feces.


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Finally, you would certainly expect that at some point someone would find the previous music/video style laughable enough to create their own mocking version of it. Enjoy Anti-Pope, by Zlad Vladcik.


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Extreme Misheard Cat Dancing!

After the weak showing of last week’s posts you think that I should be a little wiser when it comes to finding and doling out the random mess the internets create. When most creative types hit a good streak, and really crank out their product, they usually (if smart) squirrel some away for days that they are not so “on the ball”. I don’t do that with this site. If I find something, that is good, if I find two, that is even better. If I find an entire menagerie, then I tip the cornucopia and allow its bounties to pour forth. Like the ancient Greek hedonistic culture this web site is dedicated to extremism…extremism and male groping. I know that there will be days when the well runs dry and the internets only hold conventional comedy videos and the occasional frat boy pranks, but I will not be a greedy tyrant, hording all the rich tapestries of non-sense to myself only to show them to my peasants after I have taxed their lands into submission. I also know that most of my sentences have about three sentences worth of content in them, and therefore should be grammatically revised, but I will not. I will not be the Hoover Dam of the internet, blocking random content for the purpose of creating clean energy and allowing regulated irrigation in three states, while simultaneously creating a tourist attraction for those who get bored of the Las Vegas Grind. In fact, to quote Meatloaf,

“I would do anything for love…but I won’t do that!”

I am pretty sure he was talking about the fore-mentioned male groping, but it works in this case as well.

When you spend too much time on the internets (no, that is not a typo, it is what people who spent too much time on the internets call the internets) you start to notice that cats are quite prolific in the online communities. I think the main reason is that internet people are not generally out-doorsy people or even social people in the traditional sense. Dogs, by nature, are both out-doorsy and social, and therefore do not have time to write blogs and post videos. This first video I heard about this morning on the radio. It comes from a cat dancing instructional web site that offers classes and books on the subject of cat dancing.

Yes I said Cat Dancing.

Feline Dance Classes

Here is Nora, I don’t think she likes to dance, but she loves to play the piano. By play the piano I mean irritate the crap out of Nora’s owner’s piano students. Seriously, how the hell are you supposed to pick up the subtleties of Ode to Joy, when Nora, A.K.A the Liberace of the feline world, is incessantly hammering on the E above Middle C. It makes me want to punt this little “Pussy of the Do Ra Mi” off the piano bench.

Have I mentioned I am actually not fan of cats, I prefer dogs.


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Now that we have Youtube, our ability to view really crappy videos upon demand has grown exponentially. We not only have the ability to see crap that has been created in our neighborhoods and countries, but we can see the best crap other countries have to offer. Once we have seen them we can subtitle them. But why just subtitle a clip when you can subtitle the foreign language with what it sounds like what they are saying in English. Enjoy Benny Lava. Yes it is a bit grating and repetitive to begin with, but the “translations” get more interesting as it goes on. Thank Brian for this one.



Sometimes “translations” are needed even if the language is your own. Here is a delightful video of an upstanding young lady on a subway.


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Of course what would this site be if there weren’t at least a weekly appearance by the Japanese? The first from the land of sushi is a commercial for Pocky, a chocolate (or other flavor) covered cookie stick. Pocky G is a product marketed to the Japanese who are willing to take their snacking to the extreme.


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Speaking of extreme Japanese, here is a movie trailer for that same group. Perhaps if you could read Japanese you would be able to tell if this was some sort of porno, or snuff film. I personally find the mystery of it more enjoyable.


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No Christmas in Afghanistan (Or How the Sandwich Will Destroy Me)

Today I partook in a sandwich that will certainly ruin my digestive system for at least a day. I don’t know why I did it, it looked good I suppose. I am not quite sure why we as human beings insist on doing things that will come around on us in the end, (in my case today, literally). I guess it could be part of being the top of the food chain. With no predators around we become our own enemies. As incredibly selfish creatures not only do we struggle for dominance over each other, but over ourselves. If that means that we have to drink, smoke, do drugs or even eat really big greasy onion laden sandwiches, we will. What better way to defeat the ultimate enemy of the human spirit; our bodies.

Well this vintage piece of WTF shows that we humans are not the only ones who suffer from the human condition. Dogs do as well.


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Speaking of self indulgence, here is a fine upstanding pith helmeted lad who enjoys tea enough to make a delightful rap about it.


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I realize that the U.S. has a bit of an imperialistic reputation these days, but I don’t mind because Santa Clause doesn’t mind. In fact Santa Clause hates the Taliban, and loves large armaments.


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Banana Hammocks and Pictures of Your Mom

Often I have reflected on the subject of men and their manliness, so why should today be any different. I often think of this blog as providing a crucial service for the masses, educating and inspiring them with insights that they might not get elsewhere. You cannot learn the ways of MANDOM in elementary school, nor will you be graced with White Gold at church. Sure… the internet provides the materials that you need to be self educated, but I know how busy you are, and I for the most part am not. Today we shall take a deep dive into the male psyche. I hope the womenfolk out there glean some new knowledge of how the manly mind works from today’s posts. At the same time I hope that the men can get some man-tastic tips on how to be more man-esque.

Everyone knows that men can be slightly sexually driven, but some men greatly abuse their MANDOM supply and therefore have greater urges than others. This bit of video taboo contains NSFW language and some rather dark comedy (which is why it is awesomely WTF).


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When men are not thinking of sex they are thinking tools and the various jobs that they do. When men find themselves in a situation with a job to do, but no tools, they revert to a more primal set of tools, i.e. their hands. When men find themselves in a situation where they have a job to do, and they have no tools and their hands are otherwise full, they move onto other body parts. I know that you are assuming that I mean their feet, but you are wrong. The feet are filthy. Think of all the things you step on over the course of a day. There is a far superior tool on the human body as demonstrated by this fine gentleman.


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At the end of the day when all the work and sex is done for a man and he just wants to relax, there are always Mandles.


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CHALLENGE

Like that wilted piece of parsley on the dinner plate is supposed to cleanse the pallet after the meal, this video challenge is designed to cleanse you of the ramped up testosterone levels that today’s manly posts may have caused. I made it 31 seconds before I felt like a little girl.


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Spooky; Puberty is Thy Name

I don’t generally care for horror movies. I have been blessed/cursed with a very overactive imagination and scary things tend to give me the Heeby-Jeebies for several days after I witness them. Another thing I dislike about horror movies is the confusion caused by the all too often plot holes and random coincidences that are required to sustain the level of unreality that many fright flicks require. So as I sit watching a horror movie I am scared and confused, which is, entirely too much like reliving puberty all over again. I can assure you that is a time and place that I do not wish to go back to. I am finally comfortable enough to know that the “incident” was not my fault and that I could have never known that peanut butter stained livestock hooves. Searching for farm fresh WTF can lead to very similar feelings.

Take 25 of the greatest horror shocker films of all times; mix them with the greatest tragic events of the last 100 years, and rub them all down with baby oil while wearing a gimp outfit. That is what it would take to out-creepy this video. Who knew that making sweet tea could be so disturbing?


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Now that you are scared and disturbed I might as hit you with confused. Parkour, like most things the French have brought us, makes little sense to me. When you parkour into you pants with your best pals, that makes sense to no one (not even the French).


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Here is a fun little song about dyslexia or should I say a fun liTTl3 song dyslexia about. Leave it to Canada to confuse the children who don’t have dyslexia into thinking they have dyslexia by forcing them to read purposely incorrect subtitles. This doesn’t create empathy, children are not capable of such things, it just gives them another reason to fear giant bipedal dogs that can swivel their heads 180 degrees.


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Now that Canada has made all the kids scared of dog mascots (including McGruff the Crime Dog), the homoerotic pedophilic childhood cartoon characters can slide in undetected (no pun intended).


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Garfield Hated Mondays

So I didn’t post on Monday, this assuredly crushed the 10s of loyal viewers that I have. Don’t worry my little campers I have not given up on you so don’t give up on me. The truth of the matter is that I didn’t find anything all that great yesterday, and I was just too tired from staying up late playing Grand Theft Auto IV to come up with anything witty to write about. Here is the thing, I still didn’t find anything that great today either…well at least not in the same greatness as MANDOM or White Gold. Perhaps I have just started to expect a little too much quality from my WTF and need to return to the simple days of I’m a Hippopotamus with Noodles on My Back, and Pickle Surprise. So here is the mediocre stuff that I found yesterday as well as a few treats from today and days past.

You may recognize Tim and Eric from Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim and you may recognize Zach Galifianakis from being Zach Galifianakis, up and coming Hollywood star with an unpronounceable name. Then again you may not recognize any of these three, which is O.K. because it really wouldn’t make these next two videos make any more sense.

This is what happens when Absolute decided that these three should make any online Absolute Vodka ad. The only stipulation was that they had to show the product.

Part 1


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Part 2


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Now we move onto Japan with its proliferation of homoerotic massage chairs.


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Here is a video that is just awesome, not necessarily WTF, but worth posting. Thanks Mike.

Sex and Consequences

After yesterday’s White Gold marathon, you may feel your loins aflame with passion. Its O.K., you are not alone. No one can withstand that much raw power without some sort of repercussions. After the original MANDOM posts I hear tell that neigh on 20 women in the general vicinity instantly became pregnant. If you find that White Gold’s pure carnal power was enough to inspire your naughty bits to be electrified, then you may wish to take care of your needs with a partner. Be warned though, partaking in such traditions may lead you down paths you have never considered. I am not speaking of crabs or the HIV, but instead of babies. It has become abundantly clear to me that for some reason a large portion of this world still doesn’t understand the connection between shimmying between the sheets and cranking out the brats. So here today I present a sort of video essay, if you will, on the cause and effect of sexin’ it up with or without protection.

People do it, animals do it, and even plants sorta do it. (Although they usually use bees… those damn freaks) If it wasn’t for the fact that within the last year I heard that there is a fetish that involves pictures of dragons having sex with cars, I would have never considered automobile sex before. Somehow this video makes the dragon car sex seem almost natural.


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So now the sex has been had. What should have the nice couple have done? Simple they should have done it safely like the folks in this commercial learn.


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Now say that you were part of the former crowd, represented in video one, and chose not to wrap the little spelunker. Nine months later you may find yourself with so many children that throwing them off the roof sounded like a good option, i.e. this video.


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If you were in the group represented by video two and still wanted to have a child, then you could always make one out of spare parts.

I wouldn’t suggest it…it would be really creepy.

(NOTE: This video seems to be currently broken. I will try to find it from another source, in the mean time think creepy thoughts, that should fill the gap.)


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Any just in case you never want to be horny again, feel free to watch this video whenever the urge arises. I can guarantee that 99% of you will lose that feeling quick. The other 1%... stay away from me…far away.

Yes this is the same Cross-Dressing-Hispanic-Midget from prior posts, you can thank Brian for His/Her initial discovery.


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I Will Drink Milk Forever!

So today I had some prime WTF lined up for your viewing pleasure. Then I had to do some actual work and it was put on the back burner. That is when Billy gave me a link that I followed to pure heaven. Think MANDOM but make the ads from the National Milk Council.

Today’s finds will have to wait.

Here is a whole lot of WHITE GOLD!