toddsift: Gnomes Redux

A while back I wrote a post about Reynold the Sleep Stealing Gnome, this prompted Andy (a.k.a. awesome’s step father) to bring to light the hardships that the common garden gnome must endure. It turns out that Andy’s research into this topic was merely the tip of the iceberg. To understand why gnomes find themselves astray in this modern world we need to look at the root cause to their abhorrent behaviors. It is easy to point a finger at the drugs and alcohol, but like most addicts, the gnomes have experienced some sort of underlying trauma that led them down the path of self destruction. Yesterday I came across something that at the time I did not realize could be the causality of the gnome’s societal entropy…it was this.

Why, yes indeed that is a Garden Zombie. The typical Garden Zombie (hortus ne necros) is benign in nature (as are most creatures made of resin), but the Garden Gnome’s predisposition to trepidation as well as a distain for Caribbean religions make yards that have Garden Zombies generally off limits for the little bearded sentinels. This was just one piece of the picture…here was the next.

The Garden Shark (hortus pistrix), again fairly harmless unless stepped directly upon, conjures images of the open sea to the Garden Gnome. The Gnome, being diminutive in stature, fears waters deeper than a few inches. While coexistence between these two garden races is possible, it is fairly uncommon. Now the pattern starts to emerge as we move onto our last piece of evidence.

While Garden Gnomes have no fear of Peek-a-boo Betty (attrahere pervertere), they have a deep hatred for the pedophiles that would purchase such a lawn decoration (as do we all).

So as it is with many of our planet’s species, mythical or non-mythical, introduction of extreme environmental changes can lead to a break down in said species social structure producing the unwanted behaviors. Therefore it is up to us to stop the encroachment of the Garden Gnome’s natural habitat.

Here is how you can help.

• If you insist on other garden accoutrements please remember to create a gnome safe zone.

• If you have neighbors who don’t understand this plight, educate them.

• Set up a sanctuary for wayward gnomes by planting a garden and leaving tiny mugs of Vernor’s Ginger Ale for them.

Together I am sure we can make a difference.

Here is the WTF

Here is a little song about Owls and American Idol’s Simon Cowell